I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
