If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
