You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
