she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
