So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
