Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
