all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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