i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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