dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My feet surprised me
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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