Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
