Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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