You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We need to rekindle our bromance
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
