I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
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i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
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And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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