Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
