I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
