We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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