Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well I just put wine in my tea
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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