so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
