you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My vagina just recognized that song.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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