the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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