my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
