My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My bed smells like the plague
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