i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
