i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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