I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
