yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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