you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
