he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
