I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
