He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
