Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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