i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
