I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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