I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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