Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
