Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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