Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Randomize
