is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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