Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
