Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
