they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
