oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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