I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
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You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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