Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
