Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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