i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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