how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
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How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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