Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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