Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
