I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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