I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
