sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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