Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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