he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
