I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We left the knife in your bed.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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