Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
