I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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