The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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