I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
