I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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