it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
