Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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